Implications of Being too Emotionally Reserved

Also published in DAILY TRUST

It may sound rather ironic to discuss emotion in these circumstances when the country is going through its toughest existential threats since the end of the civil war more than four decades ago. Nonetheless, I believe it is relevant anyway, as a Hausa proverb says, “ana bikin duniya ake na kiyama”, which, more or less means, no particular issue should overshadow another; instead both should be addressed concurrently; each according to its significance and urgency.

After all, emotion particularly that relates to love is a universally cherished concept hence worthwhile enough to attract appropriate attention, because it is a natural human feeling that inspires happiness and psychological balance, which are quite necessary for both moral growth and morale wellbeing.

However, people differ in the ways and manners of expressing it according to –largely- their socio-cultural affiliations. Incidentally, the value of love and indeed its sustainability depend entirely on the extent to which it is painstakingly natured, properly expressed and appropriately showcased. Hence once it is confined to minds it remains dormant, ineffective and indeed fades away over time.

Interestingly, the intercultural exposure facilitated by the phenomenal spread of modern technology has significantly brought various cultures much closer to each other as a result of which some cultures influence others, while some others overshadow or even swallow some others. And this has exposed how cultures differ in their understandings of love and indeed their ways of expressing it.

Though, religious values and socio-cultural norms dictate how various communities understand and express love, there is a generally acceptable level and amount of emotional showcase and expression according to which a particular culture is rated as warm, reserved or even cold.

Addressing the aforementioned within the context of the dominant socio-cultural environment particularly in Northern Nigeria would reveal how the concept of love is generally misunderstood, which explains how its expression is generally stigmatized, as it is simply confused with some social vices and moral indecencies e.g. lack of decorum and excessive pampering. After all, love is generally (though mistakenly) taken for granted hence presumed to be alive and strong all the time anyway.

The society frowns at the act of showcasing or expressing emotional feelings between the loved ones and instead glorifies excessive emotional reservation as part of decorum. Consequently, it is quite obvious that, emotional expression and showcase have often been at its minimum even amongst relatives and people who share other natural commonalities, and also even in highly emotional circumstances.

For instance, parents shy away from showing and expressing sufficient amount of love to their kids especially when they are grown up enough to appreciate it, because they confuse such expressions with excessive pampering, which leads kids’ to moral delinquency. After all, they are influenced by the widely quoted Hausa proverb that says “kaki naka, duniya ta soshi” which means only when you don’t show love to your loved one that other people would love him”. Incidentally, there are many classical folklores, parables and tales that support (though not reasonable enough to justify) this wrong notion.

Similarly, the society in general frowns at a couple known for showing how much they love each other, and brands them as too liberal. After all, an average husband in the society seeks to prove his masculinity and control over his wife by being emotionally reserved, cold or even harsh and impolite to her, as I explained in this column a fortnight ago under the title of “A sister’s Dilemma” (Daily Trust, March 9, 2012).

Interestingly enough, he sometimes even brags and indeed exaggerates his dominance over his wife even if in reality it is the wife that dominates him instead, as it sometimes ironically happens. Anyway, such emotional reservation pervades other relatives’ relationships and of course extends to the general public in general.

The moral, behavioural and attitudinal implications of such misconception are serious, because just as human being naturally needs appropriate amount of some basic material things to survive and grow physically, he also needs appropriate amount of other abstract things e.g. love in order to grow with a balanced personality and proper attitude. Hence lacking appropriate amount of love would expose him to some behavioural reactions that may affect his moral status, morale wellbeing, social relevance and indeed professional productivity.

It is noteworthy that, human being is quite sensitive to certain things which automatically attract his reaction according to the extent of his exposure to it. Therefore a person starved of love from the right source will definitely pursue it elsewhere in the process of which he is most likely to fall in the wrong hands.

For instance, an adult from such emotionally reserved family and socio-cultural background is more likely to fall for any trick under the pretext of false love, which may lure him into many forms of moral indecencies in the process of his pursuit of love from the wrong sources.

Likewise a child from a similar background remains seriously vulnerable to abuse including sexual molestation, as he is likely to be lured by any false show of care, emotion and love by some paedophilic elements.

Moreover, the persistent escalation of child destitution, adult reckless fun-seeking adventures, prostitution and phenomenal rise in divorce rates in the society -amongst other social challenges and moral vices- all start largely as a result of lack of sufficient love-oriented upbringing through which so many people are raised.

Similarly, it is lack of sufficient love-oriented upbringing that causes unhealthy rivalry between family members, breakage of kinship ties, clan feud and lack of true multilateral respect amongst them; all of which lead to the disintegration of social fabric, public indiscipline, attitudinal decay and other serious social challenges that bedevil the society in general.

I believe it is largely the responsibility of religious clerics and thinkers to step up efforts in raising the people’s awareness as regards the imperative of showcasing love, care and respect to their loved ones, and to dispel all such misunderstood religious injunctions and wrong social assumptions and practices that “justify” or even promote excessive emotional reservation and coldness.